I looked up the definition of “turmoil” today and found the following:
Turmoil: a state or condition of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion
That pretty much sums up my current state. I can’t really explain what is going on, but it feels like a ferocious battle is being fought in my heart, mind, and body. Sick to my stomach, I can literally feel evidence of this war that is raging within. Sadly, I know that the only person to blame is…me.
Slowly but surely, I’ve created this mess. I gave up…on prayer. Ultimately, I gave up on God. I grew weary of seeing no material evidence that my prayers were answered, so I stopped praying. A spiritual leper, numb to my sins. Lukewarm- the very thing I despise the most! I let my emotions control me rather than choosing to cling to God’s promises.
No wonder this past year has been one of the most challenging years of my life. No wonder I have been lonely and depressed. No wonder I have lost joy and hope. No wonder…
A whirlwind of thoughts have gone through my mind for the past few days. Devastated by my own human nature, I feel paralyzed by my fears and inadequacies.
I have never felt such intense spiritual turmoil, yet somehow I am excited at the prospect of what I know it means God will do in me. It has been far too long since I have been hungry to study the Word and enter into intimate communion with God. I feel as though I have failed in so many ways..
BUT
I find assurance in Proverbs 28:13 which says, “He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.” I cannot believe that the God of the universe would show compassion to someone as unfaithful as I. Who am I to deserve His mercy? That’s just it. I don’t deserve the mercy that He has shown me! Yet freely it is given.
Oswald Chambers sums up my sentiments a bit more coherently in his thoughts on repentance:
“Conviction of sin is one of the rarest things that ever strikes a man. It is the threshold of an understanding of God. Jesus Christ said that when the Holy Spirit came He would convict of sin, and when the Holy Spirit rouses a man's conscience and brings him into the presence of God, it is not his relationship with men that bothers him, but his relationship with God – ‘against Thee, Thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Thy sight.’”
At last, I am bothered. For this I am grateful.
