17 Weeks

So, I've had this shiny piece of bling on my left hand for almost 3 months now. And in 119 days (17 weeks exactly), I plan on marrying the man who gave me this ring :-) March 3rd is the date he told me how he felt about me 4 years ago...and 3/3/12 just looks fun, doesn't it? [EDIT: Cute factor aside, the venue is only available 3/4/12, oh well!]
     An update on the visa process..He has his interview in 3 1/2 weeks in Ciudad Juarez and as long as it is approved, he will be here soon after! I have been thinking of all the lasts that we won't have to deal with ever again:
* Last goodbye
* Last skype conversation
* No more going days without talking because of our opposite schedules
* No more hug-less days
* No more I miss you's
* Last long separation EVER
* No more uncertainty or waiting
* No more living separate lives
     I don't even know what it will be like living in the same city again. But I suspect that it will be amazing :-) In case you don't know why this Mexican has stolen my heart, I will tell you just a few reasons why:
1. He is my best friend
2. He knows how to love me in a way that speaks specifically to my <3
3. He gives the best hugs
4. He laughs with me
5. He prays for me
6. He believes in me when I don't
7. He thinks I'm beautiful :)
8. He balances me out
9. He has the most beautiful smile
10. He romances me in Spanish and makes my heart dance
Next time I post, I hope I can say that he is peeking over my shoulder as I type :-)
- The future Mrs. Souza (ahhhhh!)


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We're just ordinary people

First, enjoy some music :-)
     Ok, so I have nothing too deeply interesting or thought provoking to offer tonight. I am mentally, physically and emotionally drained. But that's life right? I love reading posts that have great theological insights, meaningful quotes by famous authors or stories of exciting adventures. However, I currently have none of those. I feel that in this phase of life, I am rather ordinary. I wake up, go to work, come home, do homework, go to bed, and repeat. Besides the occasional visit with friends or weekend getaway (which I have had recently, thank God!) my life is pretty predictable. I am ok with that, but it is hard too. Here's why...get ready folks
     A little over 3 years ago, Josue and I began dating. Since then, in the past 3 years we have spent barely over 1 year together. This is counting our 8 months together at school, every weekend visit last year while I was at Nyack, and every trip in between. Basically, 2/3 of our entire relationship has been spent apart. Let me just take a minute to tell you how depressing that is.
IT'S DEPRESSING!
     Ok, so anyways. While I am extremely grateful and blessed by the internet, telephones, and iPods, at this point I am pretty much just sick of having a relationship with technology. I'm tired of dating my computer.
 1. Computers can't hug. Gas is to cars what hugs are to Tashia. Get it? I've been on empty for a loong time. Quality time and physical touch are my highest scoring love languages. Computers are pretty bad at giving either.
2. Computers can't have dinner or watch movies together.
3. Computers can't take walks on the beach.
4. You get what I'm saying right? They aren't PERSONAL.
     Furthermore, I am also extremely thankful that I have been able to visit him in Mexico twice in this past year. Don't get me wrong, both trips were like a breath of fresh air! But the last one came after 7 months of separation and it will most likely be at least 5 months until the next visit. I knew what I was getting into when I signed up to date a foreign alien ;-) I am just so ready to live life in the same country once again. We miss out on everyday things like talking about our days no matter how trivial they may have been, being together and not having to say anything, hanging out with friends, having visits at Cafe Moka :(, going to church, family dinners. The list is never ending.
      Between our different job schedules I'm lucky if I just get a few text messages a day, let alone a real conversation. How many times have I stayed up much later than I should have at night hoping he might come home in time to talk. How many times have I finally gone to bed without a conversation and kicking myself in the morning for not going to bed sooner. OR, when we finally can talk I am so stressed with school that I am edgy and annoying (grumpiness does not look good on me) and I waste what could have been a perfectly lovely skype date. *sigh* 
     After Josue's last visa did not work out after 9 months of hoping, I was crushed. I was angry at our government for requiring so much, frustrated with his prospective employer for giving up on his case, and a million other emotions on top of those. I can count very few times that I have hurt as much as the day I found out there would be no visa- there was no need to hope anymore. 
     So you see, dear blog friends, this is my ordinary life. Sometimes I genuinely enjoy my life and find excitement where God has placed me at this time. Other times I feel rather single, rather lonely, and rather pitiful. Most the time, I feel that I am living one life and he is living another. It is terribly difficult to make those two lives intertwine when 1984.2 miles span between them. 
     It is not easy seeing every human being known to facebook get engaged, married, and live happily ever after, but if I do not find peace and contentment I will become an ugly, green monster. Although green is my favorite color, I would prefer to keep away from becoming a jealous, bitter 23 year old monster. 
     So enough whining. Enough wishing. Josue goes to the embassy in Mexico City on Monday for a tourist visa. Not exactly the fix that we were looking for, but it means he will be able to visit me at the end of this summer if all goes well. I'd say that is something to rejoice about! In addition, we are working (hours on end) to complete the next file for visa #3. Pray we finish soon and don't leave anything out! 
     It's not a lovey-dovey fairy tale that includes two perfect people living 1 perfect dream. But it is my fairy tale. With a few trials, a lot of letters, and even more patience, I have learned that love hurts but it is worth it. I've never been one for predictable chick flicks anyways. 
     I am learning the importance of open communication, trust, patience, forgiveness and so much more through our long distance relationship. I say learning because I know there is so much more to come. I close with an excerpt from Josue's last letter. I normally don't share, but what he said deserves some bragging on. He said: 
     "Things have been pretty frustrating being away for so long....but I've been praying that God would help me accomplish my goal of loving you all of my life...I try to make it something that I do intentionally everyday."
I've got myself a keeper. 


Congratulations if you made it through the mess of my ordinary life. 
Despite all the pain, exasperation and tears, I couldn't have asked for a better fairy tale. 
Te amo con todo mi corazon Josue Souza Valdes. <3

Against Thee only..

I looked up the definition of “turmoil” today and found the following:

Turmoil: a state or condition of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion

That pretty much sums up my current state. I can’t really explain what is going on, but it feels like a ferocious battle is being fought in my heart, mind, and body. Sick to my stomach, I can literally feel evidence of this war that is raging within. Sadly, I know that the only person to blame is…me.

Slowly but surely, I’ve created this mess. I gave up…on prayer. Ultimately, I gave up on God. I grew weary of seeing no material evidence that my prayers were answered, so I stopped praying. A spiritual leper, numb to my sins. Lukewarm- the very thing I despise the most! I let my emotions control me rather than choosing to cling to God’s promises.

No wonder this past year has been one of the most challenging years of my life. No wonder I have been lonely and depressed. No wonder I have lost joy and hope. No wonder…

A whirlwind of thoughts have gone through my mind for the past few days. Devastated by my own human nature, I feel paralyzed by my fears and inadequacies.

I have never felt such intense spiritual turmoil, yet somehow I am excited at the prospect of what I know it means God will do in me. It has been far too long since I have been hungry to study the Word and enter into intimate communion with God. I feel as though I have failed in so many ways..

BUT

I find assurance in Proverbs 28:13 which says, ^“He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion.” I cannot believe that the God of the universe would show compassion to someone as unfaithful as I. Who am I to deserve His mercy? That’s just it. I don’t deserve the mercy that He has shown me! Yet freely it is given.

Oswald Chambers sums up my sentiments a bit more coherently in his thoughts on repentance:

“Conviction of sin is one of the rarest things that ever strikes a man. It is the threshold of an understanding of God. Jesus Christ said that when the Holy Spirit came He would convict of sin, and when the Holy Spirit rouses a man's conscience and brings him into the presence of God, it is not his relationship with men that bothers him, but his relationship with God – ‘against Thee, Thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Thy sight.’”

At last, I am bothered. For this I am grateful.